Off Screen
by martik0
Summary: The events that defined my femshep throughout her life so far and her thoughts. Will be spoilers for ME 1 and 2 and there will be Kaidan lovin'. M for language / themes just in case.


_This is the first Fan Fic I have published :x It's turning out to be a LOT longer than I intended, but if you do make it through R/R would be appreciated so I can learn from it!_

_This is just me writing the "behind the scenes" experiences of my femshep as I play though ME 1 and 2 (again). Obviously there will be rehashing of on screen events too. There will be Shenko :D_

_Oh, and I own nada. Sadly the great Bioware owns Kaiden and everything else *tear*._

Chapter One

I was sixteen the first time I spoke up to my parents. We were a military family, with both my parents enlisted. Moving from spaceport to spaceport every few years was just a way of life. I was definitely accustomed to it and I even enjoyed it. Kids from military families were often competitive and well trained in fitness. Every move provided me with a new field of competitors for the monthly fitness trials all school children had to undertake. I always won, but I liked the variety, and different children meant different parents. Most military families only had one serving parent, so unlike me they would have someone there at the trials to cheer them on. I would drink in the compliments of these strangers like I was dying of thirst. Pathetic now that I look back, but I was only a child and it's what pushed me to excel.

When I was fourteen we moved on to the Arcturus Station. It was there, for the first time, I came second in a trial. The boy who won was called Jack Byrnes. He was in most of my classes, though we had never spoken. He had shaggy blonde hair, bright green eyes and a light tan. He was fourteen like me, but he was a lot taller. I figured I probably came up to his shoulders. I didn't have many teenage girl tendencies, but I found myself very aware of his good looks, especially how his muscles filled out his slender figure. For the first time I cared that my own slender body was more athletic than other girls. I cared that I barely had a chest, and that I wasn't allowed to change my hair from the colour brown, or the short style I was made to keep it in.

Jealousy is a funny emotion, so scary in its intensity. Here was a boy that had changed my perspective (whether for better or worse) on life three weeks ago and as of the minute he won the trial I hated him. His mother, Collette, went over to him and gave him a hug then turned to me with a big grin. She walked over to me and patted me on the back.

"Good grief you are a fast one young lady!" she beamed.

"Not fast enough" I mumbled, sullenly.

She leaned in closer to me and made her voice in to a conspiratorial tone, although she made sure she spoke loud enough for Jack to hear.

"Well now you have something to aim for. It's about time someone gave Jack a run for his money".

If Collette Byrnes had been trying to cheer me up she had not been successful. Now I realised that not only was Jack better looking, a better athlete, but he also had a kind Mother who loved him enough to be here today. My parents did love me and my Dad definitely cared about me, but he was gone so often. My Mother was gone a lot too, but she was a very cold lady and once I was old enough to understand how other families worked I began to realise that I was loved in the way someone loves a possession, not a person.

After the trial day Jack started speaking to me, well, he attempted to; most of the time I would respond with snippy one word answers. A few weeks later I was in school studying when he came up to the front of the desk I was sitting at and very matter-of-factly crouched down and scanned each of my legs with his omni tool. I was too flustered to be rude. I felt self conscious and pressed my legs tightly together in case there were any gaps in my shorts. I could feel the heat of my blush work its way up my neck and spread to my cheeks.

"What are you doing?" I choked out, my blue eyes wide with disbelief.

He straightened to a stand, smirked and tipped his head towards me in a slight bow and walked off. That afternoon as I was walking home he jogged towards me and said

"My legs are actually 20cm longer than yours. If we were tested just on speed, you actually beat me by 8 meters". I felt my face lift up in to a smile. I was so touched that he had gone through that effort to make me feel better, especially since I had been such a brat about the whole thing.

From that day, until I was sixteen, I could count on one hand the number of days that we were apart. Jack was my first – everything. First kiss, first love, and first person I slept with. I would never have a sexy body shape, but he worshipped it and he admired my strength. We would play fight and he would show no concessions for me being a girl, for which I was grateful. Hours later he would lay me down on his bed and be painstakingly gentle with me.

When we were sixteen Jacks dad heard he was to be transferred to Mindoir in the Attican Traverse. Without hesitation Collette had agreed to take me and allow me to live rent free until I finished school and could look for work. When I asked my parents though, they told me that they had accepted a short term station on Luna, Earths moon. Leaving me behind was not an option. I fought for the right to stay behind with such ferocity that I made my dad flinch. I had never raised my voice to them or told them that I knew I was a possession to them. My mother didn't flinch, but she was furious and reacted with a slap that knocked me off my feet. On my way towards the ground my face came in contact with my bed and the sharp edge tore my cheek with blinding pain. Even with the Alliance medical treatment I received I still have a scar that refuses to disappear.

The night before we were due to leave for Luna, I snuck out to say goodbye to Jack.

"Promise me you will stay in touch" I said in to his chest.

He hugged me closer. "Promise" he agreed.

He gently touched my sore cheek. "I don't like the thought of you going off with your mum after she did this".

"She didn't mean for it to happen" I said. As angry I was with my parents I knew that she didn't mean for her punishment to go further than a slap. I had been surprised to see remorse in her the last two days. We slowly disengaged from each other and took half a step back. I reached up on my tip toes and kissed him lightly on the mouth.

"Love you Jack"

"Love you more baby. Take care of yourself".

We had only been stationed on Luna for three months when we got the news about the raid on Mindoir by Batarian slavers. I never heard from Jack Byrnes or his family again. When I had accepted his death I could feel my heart hardening. I had used up all the sorrow I had in me. What I had left over was anger. I had a _shitload_ of anger. I joined the Alliance Military in 2172, on my eighteenth birthday. It wasn't to get away from my parents. In fact since I had settled in to this almost mechanical state I could appreciate the hardness of Hannah and Graham Shepard. It was the anger that made me join. I knew in the back of my mind I needed the structure and discipline the Military would offer. What I really wanted though, was to find the asshole slavers that killed my Jack and make them suffer.

I got my chance at the age of 22 when they attacked Elysium. The Skyllian Blitz it was known as. I called it revenge. They called me a War Hero. Witnessing the soldiers and their families in the wake of the Blitz and seeing Humanities almost desperate need for a hero to recognise sobered me. My renegade tendencies burnt out and in their place bloomed a desire to be a hero that was worthy of the title. I would give everything I had to the Alliance – my freedom, my life and for what it was worth, my hardened heart.


End file.
